Guest post by Kelly K
They say that time heals all wounds but all it’s done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you. ~Elizabeth Wilder
Yes I’ve been told that time heals all wounds, and that everything gets easier with time. With time your heart will heal. Time will be your friend. In time you will find comfort and peace. All words spoken to me throughout the years. Time seems to be that magical space within our existence that allows some to hopscotch their way to healing. Time…it all sounds so simple, but I’m being quite honest when I admit that it hasn’t worked quite that way for me.
For me, time has been a thousand band aids, stretched across my heart, serving to cover the gaping hole that was left behind when I lost Cain to cancer. That said, however, I will say that I believe it’s all about what we do with our time that helps us move forward to healing.
It’s been almost two years since I’ve shared anything from my journal about Cain, and while I’ve continued to write, I’ve kept it to myself. Some of it hasn’t been pretty, a far cry from the happy face that I put on each day, and some of it has been all that I’m known for. For the past few weeks though, I’ve found Cain dancing through my dreams each night, seeming to prod me from that place beyond where he now resides, willing me to admit that even though life goes on, it’s been far from easy.
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay
Summer’s over and changes are everywhere. Fall’s vibrant mosaic of color has signaled another impending change as a chill bites the air. The sky seems far bigger as the sun has changed position, winking at me out of the south corner of my eye. The trees, now mostly bare, stretch their branches to the sky while the few leaves that still cling, sing a tired song that whispers softly with each passing breeze…Yes everything has changed.
Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever. ~Isak Dinesen
November 12, 2009…November…it always hits me hard. It was three years ago today, on a day that began much like this, that I had to say good bye to the best friend of my life. That feeling as if the oxygen had been sucked from the air that I breath, still lays fresh in my mind. My heart still aches and it is my love for Cain that has kept me going when I didn’t think that I could. He is gone, but he continues to shadow my every move, his love adding up with each new moment of my life. I know that he’s still all around me, but as I sit here this morning, remembering, it seems a small consolation to having him right here beside me, touching him, holding him, smelling him; taking each breath together. I miss him so much, as I squeeze my eyes tight, thinking that it will serve as a dam for the tears that are beginning to well in my eyes. My heart feels as though it may explode.
My dearest Cain. You are still so much a part of all that I am. As I sit here with my eyes closed tight I envision you right next to me. You’re still running to greet me each time I walk through the door. You’re still spinning those circles in delight when you see the leash in my hand. You are still woofing at me that it’s time to go to bed, and you’re still the flash of white that I see running along the fence in the pasture. You’re still chasing the squirrels, and looking for mice in the barn, and I can still hear your woof when the ice cream truck rolls through the neighborhood. I see you rolling in the cool green grass underneath the apple tree, and your great big bully grin every time you look my way. You’re still loving everyone that you meet, still drooling on every pant leg. You’re still everything to me. There is so much that makes me smile, shared equally in this quiet morning hour with all that I miss.
My thoughts set the pace, and my fingers continue to fly across the keyboard. A lone tear breaks through the well that has been building and the tears that I have fought so hard to control, now run in a non stop stream down my face. I take a deep breath, but the old familiar choke takes hold. I tell myself to just let it flow.
You are still the brightest star that I gaze upon, when the night feels so dark, and everything that was you still surrounds me with love. Though tangled and worn by wind, the chimes still sing, and the red rubber ball that you loved to play with, still sits in the backyard, now resting as a permanent part of the landscape underneath the spruce tree. You wouldn’t believe how tall it’s grown. The neighbors dogs still run at the fence, and Bear in her silent world, still loves to antagonize them. I’m sure that you know that I don’t walk the trail as much anymore, but when I do there are those special spots where I still pause for a moment, and reminisce of a time gone by.
Everything is still the same buddy, but it doesn’t feel the same.
I still have the scrap piece of paper on which I drew the stick figure drawing. I remember that day so well. It’s corners are now worn, but it’s message still breathes life into all that I do. It has brought the most amazing people into my life, and is helping us work together to find a cure for cancer. Love adds up, and it always will.
Just the other morning as I walked out to the barn I found myself thinking of you and how we used to walk the path together. In that moment of twilight, a lone leaf stirred from its resting place, and floated through the air. I stopped and momentarily waited to see if the leaf would be joined by others in it’s journey, but it flew alone before landing in a spot right next to me. The air couldn’t have been more still; there was not another thing that stirred. I smiled.
November 12, 2012. Time has moved on, marching forward at full speed. It hasn’t healed all of the wounds, and it hasn’t made everything better, but what it has done is consistently reminded me to be ALL that you taught me. I have tried my best to live up to what came so easily for you. The love that we shared is still all around me, and until my last breath, I will continue to pay it forward. It is still a part of my every being. It is still a part of all that I am. It still makes up every second, of every minute, of every hour of my days.
I miss you buddy, and love you for always❤. ~FTLoCA~k