A Private Room

February 19, 2009

I’m about ready to go back up to the desk, when my cell phone rings.  It’s Doctor Culp and he starts talking to me about Cain.  I interrupt him to let him know that I am in the waiting room and he tells me he’ll be right out.

As he comes into the waiting room, I know immediately that he does not have good news to share with me.  I stand to meet him, and he ushers me into a private room. 

He starts to explain to me that the tumor has grown, the treatments are not working  we can try a new type of chemo, the second suspected tumor is no longer suspect.  It all runs on and on.  I’ve fallen back into that place where everything seems surreal, I’m crying and only hearing bits and pieces of what he is telling me.  I’m stunned because I had such positive thoughts about the treatment.  He’s sorry and that just makes the news seem worse.  I tell him I just need to sit and think and he offers to send someone in to talk with me.

By myself I turn things over in my mind and try to accept the reality of the situation.  I stay in this room for a long time.  My dad is still in the waiting room, I think it’s been at least 45 minutes.  Every time I muster up the courage to leave the safety of the four walls, I lose control.  I think I could stay in here forever.

I finally decide to gather Cain and check out.  I leave the room and catch my dad’s eye on the far side of the waiting room and nod to let him know it will just be a minute. 

As I try to check out, I begin to cry again and the lady at the desk promises to get Cain and my doctor and take care of my bill later.  At that moment Dr. Culp appears and takes me back to the private room.